I hate Mother’s Day. It’s one of my top three worst days of the year.
This year, I guess it could have been worse.
My mom asked me about my ex, if we talked, how he was, if I went to his graduation, if I had seen the pictures, if I knew his new girlfriend. Then asked if I had a new boy, any prospective ones or was interested.
I guess it could have been worse - she could have asked why my ex had a girlfriend and I didn’t have a boyfriend.
Adam
How many times has the story of the fall, The Fall, been read, talked about, analyzed, and discussed?
We’re heard it all before. How Eve added on to what God said. How Adam just stood there right next. How Eve was not submissive and disobedient to her husband to not turn to Adam. How Adam was passive. Eve was untrusting, thinking God was holding back, that she had to fend for herself. Adam blames Eve, Eve blames the serpent – both are irresponsible.
I ache. I ache in my heart for a man. I ache for a man to be as he should.
Every man I have met has either seen me just as been a friend or has used me in varying degrees. I have been failed so often by men, it has become so bad that I struggle not to project my misgivings onto men that have yet failed me, used me. It has become a struggle not to make men use me, especially sexually, because it has become so engrained that this is all I’m good for, even that this is too good for me.
I think of the small things men do that aggravate me, hurt me, disappoint me.
Why? Why, Abba?
Where do I look for an answer?
The Fall.
This time I saw something new – to me at least.
Adam chose himself over Eve. Adam chose himself over El Shaddai. Instead of being the head which Eve needed as El Shaddai appointed.
Similarly Eve chose herself over Adam. Eve chose over El Shaddai. In lieu of the leadership of Adam as designed by El Shaddai.
Choosing their selves. Pride.
What happens when pride reigns in us, when we chose ourselves?
As for me, I see these sins repeated along with their consequences. When I choose myself - which in itself is distrustful of El Shaddai and His goodness - I see my distrust and suspicion arise the most in my relationships with me. I shift blame, shirk responsibility. I become forceful, thrusting others down my path, as Eve did with Adam, and discrediting El Shaddai with my behavior. Although this isn’t in the Scriptures, Eve seems moody and all over the place in this scene. Overly defensive with the serpent, yet easily turn to suspicious curiosity, overbearing eagerness with Adam, mortified with shame, then finishing it out with, now typical feminine behavior, passive aggressive non-confrontational hiding and, when confronted, finger-pointing denial of wrongdoing. Oh man, when I chose myself over Abba, I am moody as all get out. There is no peace because I am hampering the work of Christ and the fruits of the Holy Spirit in me.
And ladies out there? Who gets upset because they’re moody? Anger and teary, merely further moodiness – most of which is poured out on men! Similar to Eve?
It makes sense. Us over El Shaddai, letting pride suffocate belief. Drinking from a broken cistern, spoiling the fountain of our heart.
Choices. Chose Abba.
Which would you choose:
being diagnosed with cancer and having a 50-50 survival rate
or
being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s?
and sometimes you ache…
to leave it all behind
to start over again
and sometimes you ache…
to run away from it all
to try again your hopes and dreams
and sometimes you ache…
to put everything in the past
to be overwhelmed by new memories
and sometimes you ache…
ok, so maybe some of these posts are space fillers… but I’m busy and behind. Besides, the point of this blog is for me to write, to take my thoughts and construct them into something.
The hope was that my construction would be something worthwhile. I feel I fall short of that often, very often.
Yet here I am with an Anon message.
It’s puzzling.
Who reads this that I don’t know? If I know them, why don’t they want me to know who they are?
If I don’t know them, then why not leave a name?
Of course, someone I don’t know could share the name of someone I do now and then I would be even more confused.
I realized that Tumblr does not let non-users use names… non-subscribes must be anonymous. Still, if such a person knew me, why not ask me?
Ramblings…
Coming back, I had a message…. Anon observed that I refer to God in three ways: Abba, YHWH, El Shaddai.
And I’m thankful for the compliment…”This is an awesome and accurate perspective of God.”
That’s part of why I use them. God is generic, vague. I look in the Bible, especially the Old Testament. When is El Shaddai referred to then, it is rarely God. When God is used, it’s usually in conjunction with other descriptions.
In the Old Testament, the word god is mostly used as that - god. God. Deity. Higher power. God, as in one among many.
Also, I am drawn to these foreign words (including Adonai) because that was the language Abba used to describe Himself in, because Greek and Hebrew are much richer languages than English.
In a Philosophy of Religion class, my teacher pointed out that on its own, God does not indicated pre-existance. You have state that God exist. But now YHWH. That word has the properties of inherent existence and description.
As a friend commented a few weeks ago, Aramaic, Hebrew, and Greek were not the original languages of the Bible, written or oral. It was something far greater, deeper that the Holy Spirit “spoke” to the inspirited writers of the Scriptures. It is in that language that I yearn to use when we all come Home.
it’s the first time I’ve been on a computer in about a week. it’s been fabbbulous!!! and late nights, and i’ve lost all track of this blog
wednesday… i saw Jesus Culture liveeee!!!!!! awh man! i danced my heart out. an utter stranger gave me a word from Abba. yeah, so singing one of their songs today in church… kinda lame sauce
thrusddsay… ended up praying with some great friends. one of them had asked Abba for a divine appointment, and He ended up urging the woman who gathered us to promote such a meeting… and in my life it caused a ripple of divine appointments with friends.
friday… watched passion of the Christ for the first time. sobbed. utterly broke me. i’ve read that story so many times, but it has never become alive to me until that movie.
saturday… i made an extraordinary dinner with my besties, saw a friend who’s visiting town
today i’m trying to recuperate from my week, and a long day at work.
… and futilely and halfheartedly trying to catch up on this blog
And I will walk to be with you
All I’ve done just to be with you
And I will walk with you
Using the stars as guides
On a homeward path we go
Knowing our time is nigh I
I will walk to be with you
All I’ve done and all I say
To be with you
My friend called me girly Sunday…
My roommate called me girly yesterday…
I never think of myself that way.
I asked a my friend from work today (cute redhead) if he thought I was girly.
He said yes, just the right amount of girly.
How can people say I’m girly when I hardly ever wear makeup? own a ring big as my eye? my favorite pants are torn up men’s, covered in paint, tar, grease, oil, dirt, burns, and caulking? I can flip men 6 inches taller, 50 pounds heavier? shot more, and bigger, guys than most men I know?
A few months back, I was talking to my spiritual mother. She asked if I had any friends I could be transparent with. I was set aback my the question and as I cast around in my mind for one, she continued on, in a way answering her own question.
I don’t have anyone I can be transparent with because I am not transparent with myself.
She’s right. I was stunned by her insight. This is why I value her so much. She is one of a few people who I am transparent to - without being transparent to myself. They see me better than I do.
I have known that I want marry a man who surprises me by how well he sees me. I realized the other day what I want is a man that I am transparent to.
I love the Hokies, math, mountains, lilies, and cinnamon!
YHWH, my Abba, is transforming my life through His grace, love, and mercy poured out in the blood of His Son, Jesus the Christ. I love my Shepherd. All else flows through that, from that, and to that. I give it all away for Him.
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